Sherry talks with afcc about her new book

Read this great interview with AFCC about Marriage Unveiled. AFCC, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, is the premier interdisciplinary and international association of professionals dedicated to the resolution of family conflict. AFCC members are the leading practitioners, researchers, teachers and policymakers in the family court arena.

Conversation Corner: Sherry Cassedy, JD, MA on her new book, Marriage Unveiled

Sherry Cassedy, JD, MA, is a family law attorney, mediator, a marriage and relationships educator and advocate, and the author of the recently published Marriage Unveiled: The Promise, Passion, and Pitfalls of Imperfectly Ever After (River Grove Books). In her book, Sherry reflects on her own marriage, and offers insight and resources from her many years as a professional, working in the family law field. Sherry is a long-time member of AFCC and has been married to AFCC past-president, Dr. Matthew Sullivan, for 42 years.

AFCC: Congratulations on the recent publication of Marriage Unveiled! Authoring a book of any kind can be a huge undertaking, but yours also includes an intertwining of insights gained from your years of practice as a family law attorney, and reflection on your own relationship. What inspired you to begin this project?

SC: After 10 years of divorce work, I felt a cumulative sadness. Of course, I was helping people, but I was sad to see so many what I thought had been good marriages unravel and end. I could not help thinking that some of them could have been saved if they had support at critical points in their relationships. Although there are plenty of relationship self-help books – when a couple is struggling, it is hard to admit and access resources. Marriages often degenerate to the point when they are getting divorced, before people seek help rather than when the resources could make more of a difference. I realized that there is very little support for married couples along the way, and even less so for nontraditional relationships. We don’t really talk about the common relationship challenges that then lead to the bigger problems as the couple struggles and their relationship erodes. I authored this book to start an honest conversation about marriage and I hope it will be a resource and an inspiration.

AFCC: What do you mean by the title, Marriage Unveiled?

SC: When challenges arise during a marriage, people wonder if what they are going through is normal? The notion of happily ever after distorts expectations. There is a veil, a cultural mythology, which keeps marriage behind this façade of happily ever after. A veil of privacy descends upon the marriage and there is no more talk about relationships. People tend to measure the success or failure of their relationship against unrealistic notions about the way things are supposed to be. If struggles are admitted along the way, others assume bad, rather than normal. The unspoken truth is that all good, healthy marriages struggle from time to time.

This book is both a memoir of my own marriage and an effort to pull back the veil to demystify to normalize struggles in marriage. It is also meant to be a source of support, not just premarital support or support when couples are ready to split – but for the whole span of marriage. There is general wisdom that can be drawn from the reflection questions that are woven throughout.

AFCC: The book includes many references to your personal marriage journey. What did you consider in making the decision to share your own story in such an honest and vulnerable way?

SC: Matt Sullivan and I have been married for 42 years. We, like other couples, have had our share of challenges. We talked a lot, before I began to put pen to paper, and throughout the project. It was essential for me to have Matt’s input and support to fill out the story and deepen my own understanding. Of course, our story, and the general insights I share throughout the book are based upon my own experiences and I do not presume to speak for anyone else. But sharing our personal story, with all its strengths and vulnerabilities, joys and sorrows, is a critical component of validating those insights and inviting others to reflect honestly on their own stories, challenges, and wisdom.

AFCC: How have aspects of your professional background and expertise contributed to your work on this project?

SC: I have gained so much insight from working with people whose marriages were ending, and I have reflected on what may have gone wrong, and what might have been done to address struggles before it was too late. Later in my career, I received a Master’s degree in Transpersonal Psychology, and I shifted my practice to conflict resolution. As a mediator and a marriage educator, I have worked to help couples resolve conflict and build healthy marriages. These experiences have taught me that mythology and silence keep healthy couples from resources needed to steer through those normal struggles, and also keep unhealthy, destructive marriages behind the veil.

In 2005, I also became licensed to officiate at marriage ceremonies. I take the time to talk with the couple to explore their expectations; to prepare them to navigate inevitablestruggles together; to create a ceremony that reflects their commitment; and to provide some tools and resources for the journey.

AFCC: What do you see as the most important takeaway for readers?

SC: Marriage is a process, a journey, an adventure! Sometimes the focus on the wedding, the dress, the flowers, the cake, keeps the couple from contemplating the heart of the ceremony and the commitments they are making to each other. We know that even the healthiest marriages will face challenges. Let’s be honest. We have so much wisdom to share with each other in conversation and storytelling about our own real-life experience, the good and the bad. Then together we can embrace a much more realistic expectation of our own uniquely imperfect ever after.