Partnering, Like or Unlike

Some of us choose partners who are very like us, the same background, ethnicity, personality, gender. Some of us choose partners who are very different from us, different culture, religion, beliefs, gender. Some of these differences create great similarity or vast differences in experience and perspective. We often hear, “opposites attract” which can certainly be true. We admire and are drawn to someone who expresses traits that we don’t see in ourselves - the artist and the engineer, the nurturer and the strong silent type, the masculine and the feminine. We can also be drawn to the seeming compatibility of a partner who we perceive to be much like us - same politics or profession, same hometown or school, same beliefs or religion, same sex or physical body type. While we give much attention to hetero- and homo-sexuality, there are many other aspects of our hetero- or homo-geneity, different or same type. What is the package of hetero- and homo-geneity that you and your partner have chosen? What are the benefits and complications of your particular pairing? What are the aspects in which you are similar to your partner? And in what ways are you different and complementary?

The irony is that though we may choose a partner for their differences or similarities, over time, we all change! What was entirely compatible early on, may morph and become difference. Or those exotic differences can become sources of tension and conflict. Almost no matter how we partner at the outset, we are destined to face adjustments to how we and our chosen partner are growing and changing in response to life events and personal evolution.

In my work as a divorce attorney, it is common to see these differences manifest in the separation and divorce. The very left-brain, linear, logical brain paired with the right-brain, artistic, emotional brain who are perfect complements early on, begin to frustrate and annoy one another as they attempt to navigate home and work together. By the time they arrive in our offices, we can barely comprehend how they could have ever chosen each other or lived together. If we choose heterogeneity, we need to be prepared to continue to cultivate appreciation for our differences and recognize what each brings to the totality of the partnership. We need to give each other freedom to continue to be and express ourselves in our unique way as we coordinate our efforts toward common goals. Even if we choose a partner seemingly very like us, we still need to anticipate and tolerate growth which may move us in different directions. We can’t hold our partner captive to who they were as we met, but trust that as they grow, they will thrive and bring that vibrancy to the relationship.

Heterosexuality is the cultural norm, but in fact is a cross-cultural partnership as men and women are very differently socialized not to mention the biological differences. Perhaps men are from Mars and women from Venus, or perhaps we find compatibility in a partner who has a similar blend of masculine and feminine qualities whether in a male or female body. I think this is how my partnership works. I am a thoughtful, logical, planning thinker, leading with my head, driving action and organization. My husband is also very thoughtful and intellectual though he is more empathic and emotional, though perhaps less verbal in expressing it. He is very steady and disciplined about daily routines while I tend to be more sporadic, so we have a beautiful garden and very healthy diet thanks to him and an organized and beautiful home with ongoing social activities thanks to me. It is good balance and we each have enough of what the other brings to appreciate our unique contributions. It is complicated and worthy of reflection to make sure we recognize and appreciate our partner’s perspective and presence in our lives.